Dear Communication,

   You are essential for any working relationship. Whether it is a friendship, a partnership, a co-worker type relationship, communication is essential. Without the ability to speak about what is going on. The emotions everyone is feeling. The things that need to be done, everything. I know that it is difficult sometime to express certain emotions but when has trying ever hurt?

   I can't talk to him.  I try and then he somehow miraculously turns it around and makes it about him. That is tough. I really want to make it work, however, I'm not about to do all the work. I want him to want to see me. Otherwise, he obviously doesn't feel as strongly for me as he says he does. I am afraid to speak up when something is bothering me, because I know it will become a joke to him and his friends later. So, I gave up trying to talk. I gave up on communication... That is horrible. 

  I guess all I can say, is I wish that a discussion didn't turn into a joke. I wish that he put the effort in that I do. But I guess like my momma says, "Asking him to put in the effort I do, is like asking me not to." I can't just give up on something without a good cause to. I just wish I was worth the effort.... Well, you can't change someone, only how you feel about them. Anyway... this letter was officially a debbie downer. I promise the next one will be more positive.

                -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Dating,

   This letter is going to be fairly short, but I couldn't update yesterday.
   I want to go on a real date. A legitimately date. With a guy that picks me up, opens the doors, plans the date, pays for it, and drives me home. I want that date that is  in the movies. Where they are laughing and playing around. I want one date. One legitimate, fun date. Jessi's perfect date: A hike or rock-climbing, or camping and a picnic. I'm a pretty cheap date... yet, I am 19, have had 4 semi-serious relationships, and have never been taken on a legitimate, gentleman led date... Ouch. Anyway, I am super tired, more work tomorrow, I just needed to vent. Hence the reason I made this little letter forum. Anyway, that is all! Goodnight <3
           -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Trust,

   Why are you so difficult? I mean typically, if someone has never given you a reason to distrust them, you should still trust them right? Well, not in my world obviously. I have a hard time trusting anyone. I know I need to get over it, but sometimes that is just so difficult! I mean, I just start to trust someone, and it seems like they rip a rug out from under me. I said I wasn't mad about the picture, and that is true, but my trust that I had in him just plummeted. Down the drain. It was just a picture, so I really don't care, but at the same time, I have decided I have to get my emotions in check.
   I worry about being strong, I worry about looking dumb, or being fooled. I will be okay if people up and leave my life, because I am THAT strong. However, I am not strong enough to pick up my self after being played. I have been humiliated, and taken advantage of way too many times. It is kind of like the saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I don't want that. Now, I know that it is a little pessimistic to expect this kind of demise, but I guess it is my way of preparing myself for the worst.
   You know those times when you have just a really good feeling about something but you really can't explain why you have that feeling... That is my life. I have a good feeling I'm going to end up happy with a picket fence and 2.5 children. However, there are now current changes, or even consistencies that lean to that feeling. There really is no evidence of that future for me.
   I guess I can say I am a pretty trusting person. I trust people with my life, my finances, and my car. I trust them to watch the house, walk the dog, etc. However, I guess since the first guy, I don't trust people with my emotions, my heart, or my body. I can't do it. Not until someone proves me wrong. I know that isn't fair to the men I am with, but I promise to work my hardest at being good to them if they put in the effort. I am good at being a significant other. Very good at it. I just need someone to step up and fight for me. Put in the effort I put in, you know? Well, I have another letter coming right after this one, I didn't update the last couple weeks, so I guess I can say I will talk to you in a little while.
           -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Future,

     Please leave me alone. Just for a little while. I'm talking like maybe a month or two. I just want to be able to enjoy what I have right now, and not be so concerned on how it will affect you. You are needy. You need a degree, you need a husband and kids, mortgage and bills. I hate it. I hate needy things... You demand this and that. You suck. We are not friends right now.
      I just want to be able to savor the moments I have right now, instead of stressing. Just for a little while. I want to savor time with my best friend, and those cute moments I have with my significant other. I want to be able to laugh at the little stuff and enjoy doing foolish things. I want to be able to cry about a sad movie and go bowling. I really want to go bowling. With bowling, you can do silly granny shots, and slide and fall on your butt, and no one will judge you. Well okay, the really serious bowlers might judge you, but guess what? I'm not in their league so I don't care. I want to go sledding, and still have kiddish moments. I don't want to worry about bills yet, or husbands, or life long dilemmas. I have the rest of my life to worry about that nonsense.
      Instead though, I am stuck. I am worried about how one event could impact everything. Passing one class could make me or break me. Instead of being happy, and carefree, I am stuck worrying about work and school. Balancing my best friend and my boyfriend. I am stuck worrying about paying tuition, and potentially messing up and killing someone. I am worried about moving out, and being responsible. Poop. I'd rather be sledding down a hill, making snow angels, and doing anything, absolutely anything, other than worrying about you. So on that lovely note, I would like to tell you, that I look forward to you, but I don't want you to come too quick.
                                   -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Good News,

   I absolutely love you! The test came back as a cyst, nothing to worry about! Just as I expected anyway. I really want to make it clear that I wasn't scared. Not me, no way. (Completely not true I was terrified) I am so glad I got that news today. Such a relief! Anyway, other good news, I am officially enrolled in my EMT class for this coming semester. I am so stoked. (Yes, I use the word stoked). I am definitely feeling good about that. I'm so sorry this letter is so short this time. I have been a little busy the last couple days, and work occurs tomorrow for me as well. I am super tired, so I'm cutting this love note short. Thank you for the good news though!!
             -xoxo, Jessi