Dear Progression,

I feel like you do not exist in my life right now. I really just want to go back to school and get out of the stupid pizzeria I work for. I want to move on with my future and I am struggling to realize that some people don't share that urge with me. I do not quite understand that people are okay with mediocracy. Why don't you strive for better? For the future? For forward progression?

On a note not necessarily related to you, I feel stuck at my current job. I work for a pizzeria that I honestly couldn't hate more. Not only do I have issues with customers, but also I have issues with my co workers. I do not understand these kids that come into work at 18 years old and are tired after a 4 hour shift. I was working ten to twelve hour shifts everyday when I was 18 so I don't understand why they can't handle it. And when they are there, it isn't like they are working their asses off. In fact, they usually don't do much at all. I end up picking up the slack. I do not make enough money, so I have been begging for hours. Unfortunately they cannot afford to give me more hours. Which drives me nuts. The boss was complaining that she worked 100 hours in one pay period. She is the owner. It is her business so I do not understand what the big deal is. I mean, I guess it would be one thing if she worked while she was there. Instead, she chooses to sit there and play on her phone. That's not work. She makes everyone pick up the slack for her. Then complains when I don't have the time to do all of the things she did not do during the slower lunch rushes. I work the nights. The busy shifts. She is never there for those. And further more, she has begun taking our tips, for an "employee fund" it's bullshit. I used to complain about my old boss, but at least she didn't fuck with my money.

Then there are the customers... Oh my sweet customers. Don't get me wrong, I have a few regulars that make my job very easy, and they are a joy to serve. However there are some that make me hate my job more than anything. Patience people. If I'm on the phone with a customer I will be with you in a maximum of two minutes. Stop tapping your damn, overpriced  manicured nails at me ma'am. I will be right with you. And if you can afford those gaudy nails, you can afford to put a dollar in the  tip jar for those that have to work shitty pizza jobs to make ends meet. Also. If you order a pick up and then drive it 15 miles back home, guess what?! It's going to be cold... We don't have heated boxes. Don't call me and whine about it. I'm not giving you anything, because that too comes out of my paycheck. Got it? Great!

I'm sorry this pre holiday post is so negative. I have better news to come tomorrow.
-xoxo, Jessi

Dear Being The Bigger Person,

As of recently, I have discovered that I am truly being the bigger person about a lot of situations in my life. One in particular comes to mind. And all I have to say about it and to that person is, you got what you deserved honey. People see you exactly for what you are. A compulsive liar, a total fake, a pain in the ass and a spoiled brat. Ha. I am feeling a ton better. I thought I was just being bitter, but I am not the only one. Keep screwing people over in your life and you will end up alone.

At work, I'm handling things like a champ! I definitely need to find some more work so that I can start my future with my soulmate. I'm so ready to get a cutesy place and a puppy. I am so excited for the future and could not be doing better right now!

You will do foolish things. Do them with enthusiasm!
Best wishes!
-xoxo, Jessi

Dear Being In Love,

   This is going to be short and sweet. I just wanted to thank that special someone for being there for me through everything. You have been my rock, my world. I can't wait to start a life with you!! I love you.
-xoxo, Jessi

Dear Customer Service,

   I have been working in your field for five years now... I hate you! Seriously how can people be so petty and annoying. We had a person come in today and get mad because we were 1 minute late getting their food to them. No joke. 1 minute. They proceeded to be completely rude to the employees. Yet the owner walked out to talk to them and they were the sweetest people ever to him.
   I have had other lovely experiences with customers... Like the lady that threw butter at me because it wasn't allowed on her shopping list provided by governmental assistance. So charming. Or the lovely gentleman that decided accusing me of being the CIA looking for information on him for buying ammo... It is a freaking loyalty card sir... I need your name and your email to look you up so you can earn rewards... It doesn't track your purchases just the total... Besides I doubt the CIA is looking for a farmer buying 22's to shoot prairie dogs with.... Don't be vain. I just want a job where I don't have to deal with stupid people. Maybe I should become a vet... They deal with people who love animals... I can handle that! Just over working for people who think they are doing you some kind of favor when they leave you a 43 cent tip... Oh why thank you so much! You actually didn't pay for my gas to drive here to help you decide what kind of pizza you want... Want to do me a favor? Control your damn kids... I don't come to your house and have a food fight... That would be inappropriate. But come to the restaurant and do it.. Then it is perfectly acceptable.
   I am making my children work in customer service once just so they don't grow up and be stuck up jerks. Anyway, my night went down hill after a 12 hour shift, I am exhausted. I am also kind of bitter about recent conversation with someone. Ugh the nerve. Grow up. Last time I checked, we are adults... Instead this person acts like a 14 year old girl that just started her period and can't help but be a dramatic hoe. Stupid. Some people just need the attention... Oh well. I am going to be the bigger person. Have no other choice. People who hold ridiculous grudges are going to end up alone.
So, there is my rant for the evening. A lighter post to come!
-xoxo, Jessi

Dear Freedom of Speech,

Just so everyone is clear. This is my blog. I can say what I want when I want. If someone has a problem with it, do not read it. That's the beauty of a blog. As for doing anything illegal, I have never said anything that would warrant any kind of legal action. Look up libel sweetheart. Look up slander. Look them all up, because I have never said anything untrue, or slanderous on my blog. Google me, google my blog. You won't find it unless you have the URL for it. Delete the URL and you won't ever see it.

Give the URL out all you want because it will get you all the attention you want, plus I get the followers. Thank you! Don't preach legal bs. You don't know jack. I thought that people would mature after high school... Guess I was wrong. You do you princess... Because at the end of the day, no one seeks your approval. You know who you are. That is my disclaimer. Have a wonderful day. 

Xoxo, Jessi

For your reference:
harassment (either harris-meant or huh-rass-meant) n. the act of systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions of one party or a group, including threats and demands. The purposes may vary, including racial prejudice, personal malice, an attempt to force someone to quit a job or grant sexual favors, apply illegal pressure to collect a bill, or merely gain sadistic pleasure from making someone fearful or anxious. Such activities may be the basis for a lawsuit if due to discrimination based on race or sex, a violation on the statutory limitations on collection agencies, involve revenge by an ex-spouse, or be shown to be a form of blackmail ("I'll stop bothering you, if you'll go to bed with me"). The victim may file a petition for a "stay away".

Defamation—also called calumny,vilification, or traducement—is the communication of a false statement that harms the reputation of an individual,business, product, group, government,religion, or nation. Most jurisdictions allow legal action to deter various kinds of defamation and retaliate against groundless criticism.

Under common law, to constitute defamation, a claim must generally be false and have been made to someone other than the person defamed.^[1] Some common law jurisdictions also distinguish between spoken defamation, called slander, and defamation in other media such as printed words or images, called libel.^[2]

Dear Personality Flaws,

   Alright, alright. I will admit it. I'm not perfect. (please hold your gasps). It was recently brought to my attention that I have some... flaws. That is fine. I knew it before. I just didn't really want to face it. I never lived in this fairy tale land where I was some perfect princess. I have realized that I am a control freak. But not in the sense that many people would think. I just... If we have plans, stick to the plan. It isn't a hard concept to grasp. If you do not think you can commit to such plans, do not make them. I am okay with playing things by ear but tell me that is what we are doing. Nothing bothers me more than last minute changes to a flawless plan. If you are going to be late, that is fine. If something isn't going to work out because of an emergency or something came up, that is also fine. If you are changing the plan just because you decided a new plan was more convenient, that is not okay. (Controlling, I know). I just... 

   When I was younger, my parents noticed how upset I would get over small things. They naturally made me get an evaluation. During said evaluation, I was told that I had Obsessive Compulsive Tendencies that they believed I would grow out of. Newsflash... Twenty years old... Still obsessive compulsive at times. I have grown out of a lot. For example I can fight the urge to straighten pictures, or tuck in people's shirt tags even if I don't know them. I still however, have to brush my teeth a certain number of times on each side, and I absolutely can't stand scribbles on a piece of paper... DO NOT DOODLE PEOPLE. Use a separate piece of paper to doodle. Don't do it on notes, or papers that you will need. (Once again, controlling). I also have the obsessive urge to clean when I am stressed... Couldn't tell you why. 

   I was talking to my mom the other day about someone changing plans on me... I was in a full on panic.. Plus I meet a lot of my panic attacks with anger which isn't a good combination. But I digress. Anyway, I was very frustrated by this change, and my mom brought it quickly to my attention that I have always sucked at change. I don't like it. I tried to think of why this idea of change just irritated me to the core, and the only thing I can remember that may have set it off was the changes I went through when I was younger. I went to six different elementary schools... For those who do not know, that is a new school almost every year. When I was in seventh grade, I was homeless. My family and I didn't have a home. It was awful. I couch surfed a lot... seventh grade sucks for any girl as it is... showering at a rec center before school, does not help. I guess it kind of just made me crave stability. At least that's my psychoanalysis of it... It is also everything to do with me being obsessive. "Normal" people don't freak out about the things I do. For example, I hate when people smack their tongue when they pause while talking... I will walk away... it stresses me out. Now I know the reaction most people have to my... uh... tendencies. "Just roll with the punches, Calm down...etc." Let me explain something... I can't control it. My heart races, my palms sweat and my eyes burn like they want to betray me with their salty emotions. I cover it up pretty well most of the time but I have moments, usually when my life is disarray that I FREAK OUT. That's my biggest flaw... Anyway, I should probably go to bed. If anyone has the answers to why I am a mess, please feel free to give me advice! 

Goodnight everyone, and best wishes.

-xoxo, Jessi 

Dear Spilling My Guts,

   I have never been really good with you. I actually have a hard time expressing emotions in an effective manner. I usually just shut down and shut up. I just felt like I needed to vent tonight. To spill everything I have been bottling up. So where to start... Maybe friends. We will start with friends.
  I don't feel like I have any super close friends anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have more friends than I did this time last year, but I don't really have that one friend I can tell everything too. I tell Jason most things but there are girly things that I need to tell another girl. I have a couple girl friends but I'm not sure I can trust them to keep it to themselves. Instead, I just have to keep it bottled up. I would post more on here but a certain lovely ex friend of mine, decided to share my blog with people I know, and that sucks. Most of my readers have no idea who I am, therefore I can be utterly honest. My friends are close and I love them to death but I just worry that I will be judged. I tend to have judgmental friends. They are attracted to me. Ha!
   Next topic on the agenda is my overwhelming trust issues I am having in my relationship. I am normally a really trusting person, however he has given me a reason not to trust him. Actually several. I try not to keep track but when something else happens it tends to bring up the past. I have forgiven him... or think I have. He put himself out there on the internet and was talking to various girls pretty provocatively. Then posted pictures of himself on a website called "lady boner."  Thinking about it makes my stomach hurt and my eyes burn. This isn't the first time he has done it... or the second... or third. There have been four occasions I have found evidence of him being a skank on the internet... Then, he lied to me about being at work one day, his work called me because I was his emergency contact... Busted! When I confronted him about it he proceeded to still lie and not come clean about it... Even though, I got the call. Same thing happened with the internet stuff. I called him out on it and he proceeded to give me a bunch of bs excuses.
     He first said it was because I went flying with a guy friend of mine... Who, for the record, I have never ever ever even thought of that way. EVER. Then he said it was out of boredom. Then it was because he was horny. Then he said he didn't have an excuse for it. Then, he proceeds to tell he didn't think he would get caught. Like I was stupid... Then, he has started this new job. He is gone all day, Monday through Friday. He has been working there three weeks and hasn't received a pay check... I just... I feel like he isn't being totally honest with me. I can't help it. Yeah, he gives me access to his stuff now, but I feel like he is just going to hide it better next time. It just... it floors me that he wasn't man enough to fess up to it. And all I got was a semi-sincere apology. I love him, I do. However, I am still worried. Not because he might cheat on me or is cheating on me... but that I am being played as an idiot. I would be okay if he just left me... I would not be okay if he played me.
    It's not like he wasn't getting laid, and it wasn't like I was doing anything malicious... I thought everything was great. We hadn't fought in a while, and things were looking up and bam, out of no where he is telling some girl what he would do to her in bed... it's disgusting and I'm having a hard time getting over it... A very hard time. How would he feel? How would he feel if he saw some message from a guy to me, telling me he would fuck me? And how he would do it? I sent sexy pictures to other men, and made them want me. I said everything a guy needs to hear to get his...ahem... ego... up and ready? Disgusting. I am disgusted and I am still having such a hard time. Then the next breath he can tell me he loves me... I am not sure he knows what that means.... Oh well... this post has been really long, and I apologize. I am going to go get in the shower and potentially cry my eyeballs out for the umpteenth time. Goodnight, and best wishes.
-xoxo, Jessi

Dear Family,

   Hey everyone, sorry for my absence... again. My attendance has been less than par. I will try and get back into blogging, not that many people read it. 

   The family reunion was just a couple weeks ago. I love my family more than anything. Every family has it's drama, and I understand that. However, there are certain family members that I would just like to strangle sometimes. Story of everyone's family. I have a cousin, aunt and they are both on my nerves highly right now. I know that life is tough. I understand that there are things that upset people and make it hard to go through the day, however I believe that you have to live with your decisions in life. You don't get to blame anyone else for them. That is why they are YOUR decisions. 

    My cousin has two beautiful little girls and they are already becoming a handful because she doesn't take care of them. They are 12 and 14. Which are super critical ages for girls. Hello puberty, periods, and hormones that we have no idea how to control. I know when I was their age I couldn't get through the day without wanting to cry and eat a piece of chocolate. However, because of their mother's poor decisions, they have gone without. This is the time in a kids life when fashion and fitting in are a huge deal. Yet their mother spends more time on buying and doing drugs than spending time with her girls. They don't talk to their mother because she is kind of crazy at times. I understand that. I wish I could help. They live about an hour away and that makes it difficult to be there for them all the time. I really would like to get the oldest on birth control. I would hate to see her repeat her mother's mistakes, but her mother doesnt take the time to tell her that they were indeed, mistakes. I am hoping that I can get closer with them and hopefully pull them from this rut that they are in. They need guidance not beer. 

   I was informed today that my aunt might lose her house. Now, most people would feel sorry for her and want to help, however, this house was given to her. GIVEN. It was completely free and it is a beautiful house. Our family gave that house to her when my grandmother passed away. Now she is going to lose the house because she didn't pay the property taxes on it. She makes just as much as my family by herself and can't afford to pay for the property taxes. That is aggravating. She would also rather have drugs though. It drives me nuts! Then, after all of that, she complains that she isn't getting enough help. NO ONE gets help. You are a grown ass woman, it is about time to start behaving as such. Anyway, I feel as though my rant has gone long enough for this post. Until tomorrow,

Hugs and Kisses.

-xoxo, Jessi

Dear Catching Up,

   I haven't posted anything in a while, and figured I would catch up. Kind of sucks that people know about this now. It makes it hard to be honest and open. I really don't mind though. I doubt anyone really wants to take the time to read my little blog.
   Well where to start... I got fired from my job. It wasn't even something I did. I refused to take a manager position and it back fired causing me to lose my job. My boss was a little immature to say the least. I will admit I am going to miss the people I worked with but am quite relieved that I don't have all the responsibility I had with that place. She is going to miss me when I'm gone. I have never been given notice though. It was strange... She told me my last day was May 1st.. Oh well gives me some time to find something new. I was thinking about it and I don't think I could have had something better happen to me. Here is to a new job! (Once I find one...)
   I have mended some old friendships that were torn apart by bad friendships. That was nice. It's nice to know that I wasn't the one everyone disowned, they just didn't like my choice of friendships. I understand that. I guess it was an ugly phase I had to go through. I am feeling a lot better about the person I am. I have gone back to the way I was when I was younger. Nice. I am nice again. I know this sounds absurd but I went through a phase in high school with a friend that caused me to be a judgmental B-word. I missed this me. I missed when I could just be nice to everyone and it not be some weird oddity that I had to explain. I enjoy being nice. I like having conversations. I have been judged so much in my life and hated it... it is only fair that I remember how it felt and not treat other people like that.
   I am happier than I have been in a long time. Despite the recent hardships. I am taking a positive turn in my life, and it is about time. I have finally had the time to take some time for me. Just me. I have taken time to get my priorities straight again. New routines, new health and new opportunities. Change is good.
   One constant is my Jason. He is still here for me, even though I am a total jerk to him sometimes. I don't know what I would do without him. We, as a couple, have grown a lot. Two years down. He is so good with me. He is good for me. Though sometimes, I will admit I want to beat him. He can be so frustrating, but I love every IRRITATING minute.
   I am finally realizing my priorities again. Back in school, and meaning it this time. I finally declared my degree for elementary education. I have a bunch of classes that don't count, but at least I have some of my credits. Three years and I will have my degree. Yay! Anyway, I am going to try and update more often, it is about time that I started sharing my life again. Especially because it is nice to read now. Have a wonderful night.
Hugs and Kisses.
-xoxo, Jessi

Dear Best Friends

Gosh, this used to be a simple thing. Remember when you just decided someone was your best friend and poof! it was done? Now, it isn't like that at all. I had a person, who I thought was my best friend. We were inseparable and now we don't speak. Now, normally I don't point fingers and get all grudgy, but this time, and in this forum, I am allowed. It was her fault. HER FAULT. I refuse to take the blame on why our friendship ended.

Now this being said, I refuse to miss her. She screwed me over so bad, so many times and not once in our entire friendship did she ever give me a sincere apology. Instead, she would pull one of those crappy "I'm sorry but lately you have....enter the rest of the bullshit excuses here...." I hated it. I hated it so much. I tried to make her get along with everyone and she was just freaking impossible. I sacrificed so much for that girl and in return she couldn't even swallow her pride for three seconds and give me an apology. Three seconds could have saved our friendship. Instead she chose some cute little firefighter, that honestly sounds like a douche, and I give it three months over me. Which is fine. That is her choice. I am going to sound super bitter in this post, I know I am, but that is how I am feeling about it right now. I have no one to listen to me talk about exactly how shitty the whole situation is, so I am sorry to anyone who reads this that you have to be my unsuspecting victims.

She used to tell me how I was feeling, and acted like she knew me so much better than I knew myself. Ummm... Wrong! I used to hate how she would try to like psychoanalyze me, and TOTALLY get it wrong. Then she wouldn't even give me three seconds to straighten her out and tell her what was really wrong. Then she would always say, "You're not happy." Who fucking says? I could be happy and just not wanting to have some drama filled estrogen based girl session. My bad. But if I was quiet for three seconds she would tell me I wasn't happy... I was always fine, until she interrupted me so much  I couldn't tell her I was happy because I was so annoyed by her wrong psychoanalysis of me. I just... Grrr.

Then she would call me princess in an argument. That was BULLSHIT! She wanted to be pampered like the fucking queen and I would oblige, yet I am the princess? So stupid. I drove her ass around everywhere in high school  paid for all her fucking food. Every time we went out, I drove. If I didn't drive, I ended up driving her car home because, "she hates driving at night." Yet, keep in mind  ladies and gentleman, I am the princess here. When we did go out, 85% of the time I paid, I paid for everything in our friendship minus a few meals. And when she paid, she didn't pay for me as well, she would just pay her half. But I had to flip the bill for both of us. The rare occasion she did pay for both of us, she made it clear that it was some fucking favor. Yet, every time we fought,  I was the bad guy ruining her life... yeah.

I was always afraid to tell her how it was, because she would get so hurt and pissed off about the dumbest little shit. But, here is how it really was. I took all of my time trying to make you happy and when I got tired of the fact that you couldn't for the life of you get along with anyone in my life without creating drama or talking shit, I was fed up with it, and I really don't care about your feelings anymore because you never gave a fuck about mine. So, I'm not going to lie and say I wish you the best, because I tried to provide that for you as a friend, but I hope someone has the balls to tell you that you are manipulative, rude, hard to get along with and frankly a fucking diva. I hope reality kicks your ass because it may make you a less spoiled, and better person in the long run. Thank you for teaching me how to stand up for myself.

-xoxo, Jessi.
P.S.  Saying this made me feel so much better.