I have never been really good with you. I actually have a hard time expressing emotions in an effective manner. I usually just shut down and shut up. I just felt like I needed to vent tonight. To spill everything I have been bottling up. So where to start... Maybe friends. We will start with friends.
I don't feel like I have any super close friends anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have more friends than I did this time last year, but I don't really have that one friend I can tell everything too. I tell Jason most things but there are girly things that I need to tell another girl. I have a couple girl friends but I'm not sure I can trust them to keep it to themselves. Instead, I just have to keep it bottled up. I would post more on here but a certain lovely ex friend of mine, decided to share my blog with people I know, and that sucks. Most of my readers have no idea who I am, therefore I can be utterly honest. My friends are close and I love them to death but I just worry that I will be judged. I tend to have judgmental friends. They are attracted to me. Ha!
Next topic on the agenda is my overwhelming trust issues I am having in my relationship. I am normally a really trusting person, however he has given me a reason not to trust him. Actually several. I try not to keep track but when something else happens it tends to bring up the past. I have forgiven him... or think I have. He put himself out there on the internet and was talking to various girls pretty provocatively. Then posted pictures of himself on a website called "lady boner." Thinking about it makes my stomach hurt and my eyes burn. This isn't the first time he has done it... or the second... or third. There have been four occasions I have found evidence of him being a skank on the internet... Then, he lied to me about being at work one day, his work called me because I was his emergency contact... Busted! When I confronted him about it he proceeded to still lie and not come clean about it... Even though, I got the call. Same thing happened with the internet stuff. I called him out on it and he proceeded to give me a bunch of bs excuses.
He first said it was because I went flying with a guy friend of mine... Who, for the record, I have never ever ever even thought of that way. EVER. Then he said it was out of boredom. Then it was because he was horny. Then he said he didn't have an excuse for it. Then, he proceeds to tell he didn't think he would get caught. Like I was stupid... Then, he has started this new job. He is gone all day, Monday through Friday. He has been working there three weeks and hasn't received a pay check... I just... I feel like he isn't being totally honest with me. I can't help it. Yeah, he gives me access to his stuff now, but I feel like he is just going to hide it better next time. It just... it floors me that he wasn't man enough to fess up to it. And all I got was a semi-sincere apology. I love him, I do. However, I am still worried. Not because he might cheat on me or is cheating on me... but that I am being played as an idiot. I would be okay if he just left me... I would not be okay if he played me.
It's not like he wasn't getting laid, and it wasn't like I was doing anything malicious... I thought everything was great. We hadn't fought in a while, and things were looking up and bam, out of no where he is telling some girl what he would do to her in bed... it's disgusting and I'm having a hard time getting over it... A very hard time. How would he feel? How would he feel if he saw some message from a guy to me, telling me he would fuck me? And how he would do it? I sent sexy pictures to other men, and made them want me. I said everything a guy needs to hear to get his...ahem... ego... up and ready? Disgusting. I am disgusted and I am still having such a hard time. Then the next breath he can tell me he loves me... I am not sure he knows what that means.... Oh well... this post has been really long, and I apologize. I am going to go get in the shower and potentially cry my eyeballs out for the umpteenth time. Goodnight, and best wishes.
-xoxo, Jessi
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