Dear Doubt,

    Sometimes I worry that I am doing the wrong things. I have a feeling that I am in the wrong place, or making the wrong decision. I feel like I should be into a career and have a life, and be working on a family. Then I remember, I am only 19. I don't need a family yet, I don't need a career yet. I need to figure out who I am. If you ask my friends, I am a specific way with specific people. I guess I can see that. I just want there to be a time in which I can just be confident in exactly how I am.

     I have a strong moral set, and a strong belief system, however, I just don't exactly know what I am supposed to be doing at any given time. It is like that feeling when you walk into a room, and know you went into the room for something but can't remember what that was. That is how  I feel about my life. I think I can get over that though. I am going you have to right. I will keep you updated on this quest for self-assurance. Until next time then.

                      -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Cancer,

   You have hurt my mother, you have hurt her mother. You have killed my great aunt, and took my grandmother out of my life. You do not discriminate against age, race, gender, or religion. You are vicious and cruel, and don't have remorse. I will never get an apology from you, nor will you ever apologize to the people you have so cruelly affected in my life. You are the essence of evil and ignore the rules of karma. For that, I hate you. I hate you so much. I have a tattoo on my right foot. "Fight like a girl." That's what my mother did, her mother did and her aunt did. My Father's mother did it, and her sisters did it.
     My name is Jessi, it is my 19th birthday, and I discovered an abnormality with my left breast last night. I haven't had the courage to tell anyone, and I have honestly never been so scared in my life. It is just a cyst. I know it. I am far too young for this to affect me, but regardless, in the next week, I will go in for my first mammogram. Wish me luck.
                                -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Work,

     Everyone says you suck, and to be honest with you, you kind of do. It isn't even the work part that I hate. It is the fact that no matter what you do, you will be underpaid and overworked. Then you have those people that work with you that seriously don't do anything, yet are still being paid as much as you. If I slacked off like some of the gentlemen I work with, I wouldn't hear the end of it. It really is a vicious cycle. If you work hard, you are expected to work hard all the time, but if you never worked hard, they just assume that is your work ethic. How is that even fair?!
    I work at a Pizzeria. Worst customers ever! I get yelled at about the most petty things. They say that it all rolls down hill, and it is so true. You know who happens to be at the bottom of that hill? The lovely Pizzeria Cashier. Because you had a bad day, and your life sucks, it is an immediate green light to make my job hellish. A woman today, and I promise you this is true, decided to call me and proceed to scream at me for ten minutes about how her pizza was five minutes late on the delivery.... Am I the only that realizes that the waste of Ten minutes yelling at me could have been put to a more productive activity, like hmm... I don't know... Eating her pizza that was five minutes late?
   It amazes me how little compassion or patience is present anymore. I mean it is five minutes! Chill! Then, it is probably not a good idea to yell at the girl that controls your credit card number for the next half hour... Not that I have ever done anything, but if I were really feeling generous I could flip the driver a ten dollar tip at your expense. Just saying. So, Work, if you could just potentially burst into flames before tomorrow at 11am, I would greatly appreciate it...
              -xoxo Jessi

Dear Love,

        I'm not sure I even know what you are. In romantic movies the knight in shining armor rescues his damsel in distress. That doesn't happen in real life. In fact, a lot of the times, there is no shining armor, and no distress at all. It can just be one boy, and one girl being absolutely ridiculous. They may fight, a lot. And she may say bad things. He may hate her attitude, and she may hate his composure. He may make her absolutely crazy, and she may make him do dumb things. 

      I hate his attitude, and I hate how calm he is... All the time. I hate when he makes me mad just because he thinks it is cute. I hate how he freaks out, and how he doesn't sleep at 2 am. I hate how insecure I feel because I haven't felt so strongly. I hate when he doesn't take I'm fine as a good answer. I hate that he won't leave well enough alone. I hate that when we fight I always end up crying. I hate that when I am trying to hide that I'm upset he asks why I am crying. I hate when I am mad at him and the only person I want to tell is the person I am mad at. I hate that I absolutely hate how I don't hate anything at all.

      I wouldn't change anything. Nothing at all. However, I would change the way I behave, the things I say and the way I yell. I would change the fact I cry in front of him and let him in so close. I would change the fact I show him how much I care, and the way he makes my heart race. I would change my composure in a second if I could. I would change all of this, because I don't want to get hurt. I don't know if he is my knight in shining armor, or just a chapter in my life. I don't know if he will stay by me forever or just one more night. I don't know if he will put up with me longer then he has to. And it is the unknowns that make me hate, everything I do.

                                 -xoxo, Jessi