You and I have never been friends, that is for sure. However, I would be stupid not to give him another shot I feel a little too strongly about him to walk away. He is such a pain in my ass sometimes. I have had a wonderful couple days with him recently, despite our little disagreements. I just really, honestly hope that the mistakes that we both made in the past won't ruin our future. So far, I am not so convinced that they won't but I guess that will take time to see. I know that he wants to do more, and I will be patient. I have always been good at that. But this time, I am not going to let it take the toll on my self esteem that it did before. I don't think I could handle that.
Well, I guess I don't really know what to say for sure but I can say I will let things fall where they may. Here is to a new beginning, 07/23/2012.
-xoxo, Jessi.
7.27.2012
7.18.2012
Dear Working Hard,
Well, I am no stranger to you. That is for sure. This week, however, I am not in the mood. I know I will have to do it anyway but there is soo much to do and no time to do it. I have to do the hiring for the newspaper and get all of the first edition invoices out, plus write the semester schedule for the writers and photographers. I don't have a layout editor, which means this girl gets to do layouts as well as the business side of the paper... Oh boy. Then I have the Lonestar job, which makes me money, but it is a pain in the ass. I mean, I have hit the ground running. I work the next nine days straight. With two doubles. Yuck. Anyway, I will just have to do it. Get it done. I will be able to pay some bills after that. Hopefully.
I am working so hard now, so I don't have to do it later. That is my logic behind it. I am thinking about going to cosmetology school on the side. Pick up some extra cash there too. I just don't know how well the Journalism thing is going to work out for me. I guess I will just have to play it by ear. I have a full schedule for journalism starting in the fall. So from there I guess we will see how it goes. Well, here is to keeping myself busy.
-xoxo, Jessi.
I am working so hard now, so I don't have to do it later. That is my logic behind it. I am thinking about going to cosmetology school on the side. Pick up some extra cash there too. I just don't know how well the Journalism thing is going to work out for me. I guess I will just have to play it by ear. I have a full schedule for journalism starting in the fall. So from there I guess we will see how it goes. Well, here is to keeping myself busy.
-xoxo, Jessi.
7.17.2012
Dear Motivators,
Today I am feeling a little tougher. Sorry you all had to go through that little rough patch with me. I am good today. I'm not really, but I am going to hold my head up. I am going to be a trooper. I will have to. I have work today, and for the next eight days straight... oh boy. I guess it will keep my mind occupied. It is easier to be tough when you are focused on talking to customers and getting their stupid drink order.
I don't really have a lot to say today... I guess I will figure things out. I kind of feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I am going to be so busy once school starts that a relationship is probably not going to happen. I feel like maybe I should just stop. Stop dealing with men. It sucks. I am needy, at least when it comes to that companionship. I like need it. It sounds so pathetic but it is true. I guess one day I am going to have to be okay with being alone. It will just have to happen. Anyway, today is the day I get my shit together and stop dwelling on the things I can not change. Well, here is to starting new,
-xoxo, Jessi.
I don't really have a lot to say today... I guess I will figure things out. I kind of feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I am going to be so busy once school starts that a relationship is probably not going to happen. I feel like maybe I should just stop. Stop dealing with men. It sucks. I am needy, at least when it comes to that companionship. I like need it. It sounds so pathetic but it is true. I guess one day I am going to have to be okay with being alone. It will just have to happen. Anyway, today is the day I get my shit together and stop dwelling on the things I can not change. Well, here is to starting new,
-xoxo, Jessi.
7.16.2012
Dear Lyrics,
I haven't done this in a while... I guess it is about time right?
This one is going to be a little different. This is just a bundle of feelings about everything in a bunch of lyric lines... Enjoy.
"Why,Why do you always kick me when I'm high, Knock me down so we see eye to eye. Figured him out, I know he may not be Mr. Right but he will do right now."
"It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow, I can't believe that I stayed 'til today. Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow. But in time we will find this was no surprise."
"When you see my face, hope it gives you hell. When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell. If you find a man that's worth a damn that treats you well... Well he's a fool."
I promise my posts are going to get better. I promise. I am just in a dark place in my life right now. And once Im out of it... you all will be the first to know. Love always!
-xoxo, Jessi.
This one is going to be a little different. This is just a bundle of feelings about everything in a bunch of lyric lines... Enjoy.
"Why,Why do you always kick me when I'm high, Knock me down so we see eye to eye. Figured him out, I know he may not be Mr. Right but he will do right now."
"It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow, I can't believe that I stayed 'til today. Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow. But in time we will find this was no surprise."
"When you see my face, hope it gives you hell. When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell. If you find a man that's worth a damn that treats you well... Well he's a fool."
I promise my posts are going to get better. I promise. I am just in a dark place in my life right now. And once Im out of it... you all will be the first to know. Love always!
-xoxo, Jessi.
Dear Alcohol,
I used to say that I hated when people used you as a crutch. I hated that. When people couldn't suck it up and just face life. I hated people like that. I hated you. Yet, it is noon, and I'm three drinks in. Have to get a ride to work because I don't want to drink and drive. If they realize I'm tipsy I will probably lose my job. I wish I could get hammered. I mean a new brand of drunk. Black out and puke. Maybe I would feel better. The worst thing I think is that it isn't just one thing. It is several. I am about three grand in debt, My parents and I do not get along anymore... Guess that is probably because I have turned into a debbie downer. I miss my ex boyfriend, I am seeing someone who is possibly an alcoholic, and has thrown the bible at me, even though I am not all that religious. I just want to disappear for a while. So if any of my readers here think that they could just take me away, and get me away from my ex, the guy I'm seeing, and my parents... Let me know.
I am strong. I know I am, but I don't really feel strong right now. I feel disgusting, I feel fat and unattractive. EXTREMELY unattractive. Weight has always been an issue and Jesus, it seems like everyone is getting on my case about it. I was actually told that I wasn't "the prettiest girl but I make up for it with personality". Now I am not a shallow girl at all, but I also don't want to be the fat girl who makes up for it with her stellar personality. I know I am the only one that can change it. So, that is what I am going to do. I'm not gonna stop until I hit my goal. I will not be this heavy. So readers, I will keep you posted. Today is 7/16/12 and I weigh, 144 pounds. I will keep you updated on the progress, but by this time next month, I will weigh 115-120. Here is to fixing what I hate about myself.
-xoxo, Jessi.
Dear Self,
You listened to the whole story. The whole story of the other girl. You listened. And you did good. You kept your cool. I'm proud of you. I wish it was me... But I don't really have any respect right now for him, or her. Or you. I just. You need to walk away from men. Fuck them. Fuck trying to try. I hate that. Even still, after our relationship was over, you are thinking that you are overweight. Jesus, hello diet and anorexia. Welcome, to self-control land. Fuck. I am so like upset. I can't handle it. I can't fucking handle being the second choice. Ugh. I fucking hate it. Pardon my french on this. Jesus, I just... I guess I had this glimmer of hope that maybe I was prettier... Nope. Oh well I guess.
I guess that happens right. At least he upgraded... I guess... I just am so tired... I just want to be fucking important. Prove it to me? Telling me about her... ugh nauseating... Once again, couldn't you have lied to me... maybe a little? I don't tell you the shit about whoever I am currently fucking. That would destroy you... but instead... I get to hear all of the lovely details... Ugh. So my phone is going in a lake for a while, my bottle of jack will be handy and I will forget. That is all I have left to do. Play it down like you don't care about her. Then lie to me... attractive. Gosh, I don't think my chest has ever hurt so bad. I need to puke... Or drink.. Or something. Fuck bitches that are 125... Jesus... I would kill to be that. Well, tomorrow morning, I will get up go puke and go run... Great. It is funny that even after everything is over with him, he is still the only human being that can make me feel completely unattractive. Today, not only did the Ex do some ego damage of his own but the guy that I thought would make me feel better about the whole break up, let me know I had thunder thighs today... Harmless joke to him, since I do have... "thicker" thighs... Harmless joke to him... Crushing comment to me... Well, guess you have the gym as a date tomorrow... Here is to STILL not being good enough...
-xoxo, Jessi.
I guess that happens right. At least he upgraded... I guess... I just am so tired... I just want to be fucking important. Prove it to me? Telling me about her... ugh nauseating... Once again, couldn't you have lied to me... maybe a little? I don't tell you the shit about whoever I am currently fucking. That would destroy you... but instead... I get to hear all of the lovely details... Ugh. So my phone is going in a lake for a while, my bottle of jack will be handy and I will forget. That is all I have left to do. Play it down like you don't care about her. Then lie to me... attractive. Gosh, I don't think my chest has ever hurt so bad. I need to puke... Or drink.. Or something. Fuck bitches that are 125... Jesus... I would kill to be that. Well, tomorrow morning, I will get up go puke and go run... Great. It is funny that even after everything is over with him, he is still the only human being that can make me feel completely unattractive. Today, not only did the Ex do some ego damage of his own but the guy that I thought would make me feel better about the whole break up, let me know I had thunder thighs today... Harmless joke to him, since I do have... "thicker" thighs... Harmless joke to him... Crushing comment to me... Well, guess you have the gym as a date tomorrow... Here is to STILL not being good enough...
-xoxo, Jessi.
7.14.2012
Dear New Fling,
I am gonna give this a shot. I don't know what to do about you really. You are a sweet guy. You truly are. You treat me good, you do your best to make sure I am the happiest. You pamper me, and you spoil me. You brag about me and tell me all the things I want to hear. You call me beautiful, and you let me know that you are fond of me. However, It isn't the same. I mean, maybe it is just the recent break up. I mean on paper, you are exactly what I want. However, it isn't the same.
I am so hung up. I'm gonna have to get over it... I mean there isn't much else I can do. I just. There is a comfort level with you. I am comfortable. I don't worry. I know you won't hurt me. You won't ever let me fall. I know that. You are a sweetheart. A total sweetheart. We have both been hurt. I know that. However, I feel safe with you. But like I said.. It just isn't the same. I mean... This is probably what is healthy for me. You would be healthy for me... You're a rock, a solid fixture. You are... Consistent. However, It just isn't the same.
What am I supposed to do. You are healthy. You are safe. But he... oh he.. He is passion. He is fire and pure indulgence. You are the salad I should eat, but he is that dessert that I crave. That is awful to say. I know it is. But meeting you I instantly felt relieved. I felt safe. Meeting him, the butterflies about made me sick. What is better? I mean, granted I can't take him back. That is a non-option right now, but it is still food for thought. I mean I guess it is why I haven't put all the effort I should in meeting you. I guess that is why I struggle with telling you that I want to hang out and be around you. I do. I mean I love your company but I miss him. That is wrong. I know it is. And I know you say you aren't too worried about it but I also know I don't want to hurt you by still being in love with him. I don't know why I am.. but I am... Call me stupid, because that is what I call myself. I won't go back. I won't do that to myself, but how I crave that fire... I mean, It is entirely true that if you play with fire, you get burned, and boy did I get burned, but is it bad that I crave that burn again. I guess that makes me some kind of masochist. But I think I will get over it.
I am gonna give this a shot. It is the least I can do if you are going to put yourself out there. If you are going to try, the least I can do is be nice and try too... I guess we will see how it goes. Here is to safe consistency...
-xoxo, Jessi
I am so hung up. I'm gonna have to get over it... I mean there isn't much else I can do. I just. There is a comfort level with you. I am comfortable. I don't worry. I know you won't hurt me. You won't ever let me fall. I know that. You are a sweetheart. A total sweetheart. We have both been hurt. I know that. However, I feel safe with you. But like I said.. It just isn't the same. I mean... This is probably what is healthy for me. You would be healthy for me... You're a rock, a solid fixture. You are... Consistent. However, It just isn't the same.
What am I supposed to do. You are healthy. You are safe. But he... oh he.. He is passion. He is fire and pure indulgence. You are the salad I should eat, but he is that dessert that I crave. That is awful to say. I know it is. But meeting you I instantly felt relieved. I felt safe. Meeting him, the butterflies about made me sick. What is better? I mean, granted I can't take him back. That is a non-option right now, but it is still food for thought. I mean I guess it is why I haven't put all the effort I should in meeting you. I guess that is why I struggle with telling you that I want to hang out and be around you. I do. I mean I love your company but I miss him. That is wrong. I know it is. And I know you say you aren't too worried about it but I also know I don't want to hurt you by still being in love with him. I don't know why I am.. but I am... Call me stupid, because that is what I call myself. I won't go back. I won't do that to myself, but how I crave that fire... I mean, It is entirely true that if you play with fire, you get burned, and boy did I get burned, but is it bad that I crave that burn again. I guess that makes me some kind of masochist. But I think I will get over it.
I am gonna give this a shot. It is the least I can do if you are going to put yourself out there. If you are going to try, the least I can do is be nice and try too... I guess we will see how it goes. Here is to safe consistency...
-xoxo, Jessi
7.13.2012
Dear Jason,
I normally don't write letters to specific people... Im usually agianst that... however, today, I need to write one to you. I don't know if you still read my blog, or if you ever look back at it now and then... I can't say the things I want to you. I can't really tell you how I actually feel. I just I want to be in your life. I really do, but my heart (as cliche as it sounds) can't handle being with you... You have already moved on, which I am proud of you for doing... but I can't help but hate her a little. I mean, I know you will make her happy, and I hope that our relationship taught you something. However I can't help but be upset.... I know I have no right. I know that. I have absolutely no right to be upset. I know I dont. but I am. Which sucks.
I don't think our relationship was healthy for me. I always was so insecure. Which isn't good at all. However, I know that I miss you. Which I also have no fucking right to say. It just sucks that I had to let you go for you to learn a lesson. I mean I love you. You are the first boy, I can honeslty say that I was in love with... It didn't matter that you weren't the best boyfriend because there was just something about you. Still is. I haven't had the heart to ask what all you want back, because Im not sure that I can handle seeing you... I will get strong enough and bring all your stuff back. I haven't forgotten it... I promise. I am glad you are moving on... and I am glad you can make someone happy... But please forgive me if I am the least bit excited for her. Because I was her. I had that feeling she has. It was me that was all starry-eyed over you and would do anything to gain your attention. That was me. That was my spot in your life. And now it is hers. And that is fine. That is healthy, but I am so jealous of the fact she get's the attention I always wanted.
You couldn't have lied to me? You couldn't have made it sound like you are just working on you? You couldn't have spared me that one last little ego hit. Gosh, is she prettier than me? Does she take care of you like I did? Is she gonna make the impact I always wanted to make? I don't understand. I don't understand why you never proved it all to me... Anyway, enough crying... now time to move on... Goodbye Jason.
-xoxo, Jessi.
I don't think our relationship was healthy for me. I always was so insecure. Which isn't good at all. However, I know that I miss you. Which I also have no fucking right to say. It just sucks that I had to let you go for you to learn a lesson. I mean I love you. You are the first boy, I can honeslty say that I was in love with... It didn't matter that you weren't the best boyfriend because there was just something about you. Still is. I haven't had the heart to ask what all you want back, because Im not sure that I can handle seeing you... I will get strong enough and bring all your stuff back. I haven't forgotten it... I promise. I am glad you are moving on... and I am glad you can make someone happy... But please forgive me if I am the least bit excited for her. Because I was her. I had that feeling she has. It was me that was all starry-eyed over you and would do anything to gain your attention. That was me. That was my spot in your life. And now it is hers. And that is fine. That is healthy, but I am so jealous of the fact she get's the attention I always wanted.
You couldn't have lied to me? You couldn't have made it sound like you are just working on you? You couldn't have spared me that one last little ego hit. Gosh, is she prettier than me? Does she take care of you like I did? Is she gonna make the impact I always wanted to make? I don't understand. I don't understand why you never proved it all to me... Anyway, enough crying... now time to move on... Goodbye Jason.
-xoxo, Jessi.
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