Dear Best Friends

Gosh, this used to be a simple thing. Remember when you just decided someone was your best friend and poof! it was done? Now, it isn't like that at all. I had a person, who I thought was my best friend. We were inseparable and now we don't speak. Now, normally I don't point fingers and get all grudgy, but this time, and in this forum, I am allowed. It was her fault. HER FAULT. I refuse to take the blame on why our friendship ended.

Now this being said, I refuse to miss her. She screwed me over so bad, so many times and not once in our entire friendship did she ever give me a sincere apology. Instead, she would pull one of those crappy "I'm sorry but lately you have....enter the rest of the bullshit excuses here...." I hated it. I hated it so much. I tried to make her get along with everyone and she was just freaking impossible. I sacrificed so much for that girl and in return she couldn't even swallow her pride for three seconds and give me an apology. Three seconds could have saved our friendship. Instead she chose some cute little firefighter, that honestly sounds like a douche, and I give it three months over me. Which is fine. That is her choice. I am going to sound super bitter in this post, I know I am, but that is how I am feeling about it right now. I have no one to listen to me talk about exactly how shitty the whole situation is, so I am sorry to anyone who reads this that you have to be my unsuspecting victims.

She used to tell me how I was feeling, and acted like she knew me so much better than I knew myself. Ummm... Wrong! I used to hate how she would try to like psychoanalyze me, and TOTALLY get it wrong. Then she wouldn't even give me three seconds to straighten her out and tell her what was really wrong. Then she would always say, "You're not happy." Who fucking says? I could be happy and just not wanting to have some drama filled estrogen based girl session. My bad. But if I was quiet for three seconds she would tell me I wasn't happy... I was always fine, until she interrupted me so much  I couldn't tell her I was happy because I was so annoyed by her wrong psychoanalysis of me. I just... Grrr.

Then she would call me princess in an argument. That was BULLSHIT! She wanted to be pampered like the fucking queen and I would oblige, yet I am the princess? So stupid. I drove her ass around everywhere in high school  paid for all her fucking food. Every time we went out, I drove. If I didn't drive, I ended up driving her car home because, "she hates driving at night." Yet, keep in mind  ladies and gentleman, I am the princess here. When we did go out, 85% of the time I paid, I paid for everything in our friendship minus a few meals. And when she paid, she didn't pay for me as well, she would just pay her half. But I had to flip the bill for both of us. The rare occasion she did pay for both of us, she made it clear that it was some fucking favor. Yet, every time we fought,  I was the bad guy ruining her life... yeah.

I was always afraid to tell her how it was, because she would get so hurt and pissed off about the dumbest little shit. But, here is how it really was. I took all of my time trying to make you happy and when I got tired of the fact that you couldn't for the life of you get along with anyone in my life without creating drama or talking shit, I was fed up with it, and I really don't care about your feelings anymore because you never gave a fuck about mine. So, I'm not going to lie and say I wish you the best, because I tried to provide that for you as a friend, but I hope someone has the balls to tell you that you are manipulative, rude, hard to get along with and frankly a fucking diva. I hope reality kicks your ass because it may make you a less spoiled, and better person in the long run. Thank you for teaching me how to stand up for myself.

-xoxo, Jessi.
P.S.  Saying this made me feel so much better.

Dear Catching Up,

Well, it has been some time since I have posted something, and I apologize for that. Maybe I can catch you up a bit. I know it will take forever so I am actually going to keep this letter really short, and post a couple letters after it. I know a lot of the people I talk about read this, but I just do not care anymore. I don't at all. I refuse to tip toe around feelings anymore, because no one tip toes around mine ever. Therefore, anyone reading this doesn't like what I have to say, can kindly hit the little 'x' at the top right corner of their screen. The next few letters are all about what has happened the last couple months. Hold on, it could be a bumpy ride. Let's go!
-xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Sex,

    Why do you have to complicate everything? Last time I checked, in the history of the world, jealousy didn't exist unless you have had sex with someone. This is stupid. I know I shouldn't be so insecure about it but I am. I will get over it. I am just pissed off, and need to vent, and I guess this is the place I do that best. 

   Sex, you have legitimately made my life a pain in the ass. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love you, but I hate you. I am beginning to think that is what I am valued for. No, not what I am valued for, but if I didn't participate in sex, I don't think he would still be with me.. that sucks. I mean, not that I would ever just hold out but Jesus  It is all he wants to fucking talk about. That or fucking cuddling, I am so gosh darn sick of those two damn subjects. Oh wait, we will also talk about anything he is passionate about for hours on end. But if I want to try to share something I am passionate about with him, out goes the attention span until he gets the pleasure of hearing his own voice again. 

   He does treat me well, I just wish it didn't feel like he was treating me that well just to screw me, you know? Isn't it possible to treat someone good, just to treat them good? I don't know. I am just so irritated with it all. Maybe I am being over-dramatic  but, I don't care. I just... I just want to watch a stupid rom com where the guy falls in love with the dying girl that can't have sex and doesn't make her feel guilty about it or seek it from other people. Maybe that doesn't exist in real life, but I am going to act like it does and watch it on a movie and go to sleep feeling disgusting. I bid you goodnight. Maybe a more positive message to come later, but right now I am a grump, and this is what I get to vent to. 

   -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Pressure,

    It seems like I am getting you from every angle. It really isn't fair. I just quit a job, which sucks but at the same time, I still have a job. So I didn't do anything too irrational. Then there is the school thing. A bunch of pressure there. I am trying so hard to get a scholarship to a better university but it is just difficult because I can't just focus on school. I also have to worry about the two jobs I usually have at once. Two jobs and school is a pain in the butt. I just have to do it though. I have to do it. I just have to.
   I just wish people would catch my motivation like I do. I mean. It isn't hard to hold down a job. Not at all. I mean, if you aren't going to school, and you aren't going to take the education route, find a labor job. Find something that kicks your butt. Makes you sweat. If you are going to take the education route, do it. And put everything you got into it. I am just so sick of people settling for mediocre. I don't care what you are doing or are going to do as long as you push yourself with everything to be the best at it. That's all I care about.
   One more pet peeve before I leave you for the evening. I hate when people complain about a situation and don't do something to fix it. If you are going to bitch about it, do something about it. DO something. Talking never got anything done. I promise. If you are going to talk about doing something, use that for forward progress. Okay that's all I have to bitch about for tonight.. Goodnight...
               -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Happily Ever After,

     Fairy tales always have a pretty damsel in distress who is swept away and rescued by the hero. The knight in shining armor sweeps in on his valiant steed. He wields a large sword and fights off dragons. His steel shining armor protects him as he pulls his helmet off his head and he is handsome and graceful. He fights off the dragon and rescues his damsel taking her to safety, marrying her and living happily ever after.

   I have a story. It isn't quite like that. My knight in shining armor is more  like a  guy in a clinch gear hoodie and a Avalanche beanie. He is still strikingly handsome and graceful (when he wants to be). He doesn't have a steed but he does have a pretty valiant gold Honda. He doesn't wield a large silver sword. I don't think he has fought off any dragons either... Yet, somehow, he has rescued me. I know we have our problems, every relationship does. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, or what will happen the day after that. What I do know is one day, whenever that is, I will live happily ever after with my beanie wearing, hoodie wielding, Honda driving knight. 

   Sometimes he says the wrong things, and sometimes I get mad at him. Sometimes I am justified and sometimes I am not. But regardless, at the end of the day. My favorite place in the whole world is curled up next to him with his head on my stomach, even if it is heavy. We will make it through everything. I have faith. Regardless of the past. It is all up from here. I have to get some sleep, but I needed to share the beginning of my fairy tale. Keep you all posted.

     -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Changes,

     I am used to taking you on head first. However, do you think you could cool throwing a thousand changes at me at once? Could you just calm down a bit? I mean. I am working two jobs, which is rough. Then you add school and a social life and I am about wore out. Then, I am moving out soon which is probably my most exciting change happening. I just don't know if I can handle it all at once. Though, I am tough enough to know I am just going to have to figure it out.
    Okay, changing the subject though. There is this boy. Him and I have been through a lot. I mean a lot. He is one of my best friends. And happens to be my boyfriend. I was not exactly the best person to him the first time we dated. We both made mistakes. He seems to be over it, though I still feel guilty. Which I appreciate. I really do. I just... I just want everything to be forgotten, however I know that will never happen. I am really sorry for what I did. I really am. I would never do it again. That is for sure.
     We went apartment shopping the other day. It was so exciting. Living with him is so exciting. I think it is going to make us so much stronger. I am really serious about him. It is almost scary. I just know that our lives will be so much better when we move in together. I know it will solidify everything for me, and I hope it does the same for him. My only concern is it seems too good to be true. I have always been told if it seems to good then it is too good. But I am putting everything I have into this relationship this time. Absolutely everything because at the end of the day, I know that even if I had the worst day in the world, my bugga will be there to make me smile. And if he doesn't make me smile, he is there to cuddle up with and forget the world for a while. And I don't think he will ever understand how much that, how much he means to me. I love you.
           -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Second Chances,

     You and I have never been friends, that is for sure. However, I would be stupid not to give him another shot I feel a little too strongly about him to walk away. He is such a pain in my ass sometimes. I have had a wonderful couple days with him recently, despite our little disagreements. I just really, honestly hope that the mistakes that we both made in the past won't ruin our future. So far, I am not so convinced that they won't but I guess that will take time to see. I know that he wants to do more, and I will be patient. I have always been good at that. But this time, I am not going to let it take the toll on my self esteem that it did before. I don't think I could handle that.
     Well, I guess I don't really know what to say for sure but I can say I will let things fall where they may. Here is to a new beginning, 07/23/2012.
     -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Working Hard,

   Well, I am no stranger to you. That is for sure. This week, however, I am not in the mood. I know I will have to do it anyway but there is soo much to do and no time to do it. I have to do the hiring for the newspaper and get all of the first edition invoices out, plus write the semester schedule for the writers and photographers. I don't have a layout editor, which means this girl gets to do layouts as well as the business side of the paper... Oh boy.  Then I have the Lonestar job, which makes me money, but it is a pain in the ass. I mean, I have hit the ground running. I work the next nine days straight. With two doubles. Yuck. Anyway, I will just have to do it. Get it done. I will be able to pay some bills after that. Hopefully.
    I am working so hard now, so I don't have to do it later. That is my logic behind it. I am thinking about going to cosmetology school on the side. Pick up some extra cash there too. I just don't know how well the Journalism thing is going to work out for me. I guess I will just have to play it by ear. I have a full schedule for journalism starting in the fall. So from there I guess we will see how it goes. Well, here is to keeping myself busy.
    -xoxo, Jessi.
 

Dear Motivators,

     Today I am feeling a little tougher. Sorry you all had to go through that little rough patch with me. I am good today. I'm not really, but I am going to hold my head up. I am going to be a trooper. I will have to. I have work today, and for the next eight days straight... oh boy. I guess it will keep my mind occupied. It is easier to be tough when you are focused on talking to customers and getting their stupid drink order.
   I don't really have a lot to say today... I guess I will figure things out. I kind of feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I am going to be so busy once school starts that a relationship is probably not going to happen. I feel like maybe I should just stop. Stop dealing with men. It sucks. I am needy, at least when it comes to that companionship. I like need it. It sounds so pathetic but it is true. I guess one day I am going to have to be okay with being alone. It will just have to happen. Anyway, today is the day  I get my shit together and stop dwelling on the things I can not change. Well, here is to starting new,
  -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Lyrics,

I haven't done this in a while... I guess it is about time right?
This one is going to be a little different. This is just a bundle of feelings about everything in a bunch of lyric lines... Enjoy.

"Why,Why do you always kick me when I'm high, Knock me down so we see eye to eye. Figured him out, I know he may not be Mr. Right but he will do right now."

"It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow, I can't believe that I stayed 'til today. Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow. But in time we will find this was no surprise."

"When you see my face, hope it gives you hell. When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell.  If you find a man that's worth a damn that treats you well... Well he's a fool."

I promise my posts are going to get better. I promise. I am just in a dark place in my life right now. And once Im out of it... you all will be the first to know. Love always!
-xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Alcohol,

    I used to say that I hated when people used you as a crutch. I hated that. When people couldn't suck it up and just face life. I hated people like that. I hated you. Yet, it is noon, and I'm three drinks in. Have to get a ride to work because I don't want to drink and drive. If they realize I'm tipsy I will probably lose my job. I wish I could get hammered. I mean a new brand of drunk. Black out and puke. Maybe I would feel better. The worst thing I think is that it isn't just one thing. It is several. I am about three grand in debt, My parents and I do not get along anymore... Guess that is probably because I have turned into a debbie downer. I miss my ex boyfriend, I am seeing someone who is possibly an alcoholic, and has thrown the bible at me, even though I am not all that religious. I just want to disappear for a while. So if any of my readers here think that they could just take me away, and get me away from my ex, the guy I'm seeing, and my parents... Let me know. 

    I am strong. I know I am, but I don't really feel strong right now. I feel disgusting, I feel fat and unattractive. EXTREMELY unattractive. Weight has always been an issue and Jesus, it seems like everyone is getting on my case about it. I was actually told that I wasn't "the prettiest girl but I make up for it with personality". Now I am not a shallow girl at all, but I also don't want to be the fat girl who makes up for it with her stellar personality. I know I am the only one that can change it. So, that is what I am going to do. I'm not gonna stop until I hit my goal. I will not be this heavy. So readers, I will keep you posted. Today is 7/16/12 and I weigh, 144 pounds. I will keep you updated on the progress, but by this time next month, I will weigh 115-120. Here is to fixing what I hate about myself. 

      -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Self,

     You listened to the whole story. The whole story of the other girl. You listened. And you did good. You kept your cool. I'm proud of you. I wish it was me... But I don't really have any respect right now for him, or her. Or you. I just. You need to walk away from men. Fuck them.  Fuck trying to try. I hate that. Even still, after our relationship was over, you are thinking that you are overweight. Jesus, hello diet and anorexia. Welcome, to self-control land. Fuck. I am so like upset. I can't handle it. I can't fucking handle being the second choice.  Ugh. I fucking hate it. Pardon my french on this. Jesus, I just... I guess I had this glimmer of hope that maybe I was prettier... Nope. Oh well I guess.
     I guess that happens right. At least he upgraded... I guess... I just am so tired... I just want to be fucking important. Prove it to me? Telling me about her... ugh nauseating... Once again, couldn't you have lied to me... maybe a little? I don't tell you the shit about whoever I am currently fucking. That would destroy you... but instead... I get to hear all of the lovely details... Ugh. So my phone is going in a lake for a while, my bottle of jack will be handy and I will forget. That is all I have left to do. Play it down like you don't care about her. Then lie to me... attractive. Gosh, I don't think my chest has ever hurt so bad. I need to puke... Or drink.. Or something. Fuck bitches that are 125... Jesus... I would kill to be that. Well, tomorrow morning, I will get up go puke and go run... Great. It is funny that even after everything is over with him, he is still the only human being that can make me feel completely unattractive. Today, not only did the Ex do some ego damage of his own but the guy that I thought would make me feel better about the whole break up, let me know I had thunder thighs today... Harmless joke to him, since I do have... "thicker" thighs... Harmless joke to him... Crushing comment to me... Well, guess you have the gym as a date tomorrow... Here is to STILL not being good enough...
        -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear New Fling,

     I am gonna give this a shot. I don't know what to do about you really. You are a sweet guy. You truly are. You treat me good, you do your best to make sure I am the happiest. You pamper me, and you spoil me. You brag about me and tell me all the things I want to hear. You call me beautiful, and you let me know that you are fond of me. However, It isn't the same. I mean, maybe it is just the recent break up. I mean on paper, you are exactly what I want. However, it isn't the same.
     I am so hung up. I'm gonna have to get over it... I mean there isn't much else I can do. I just. There is a comfort level with you. I am comfortable. I don't worry. I know you won't hurt me. You won't ever let me fall. I know that. You are a sweetheart. A total sweetheart. We have both been hurt. I know that. However, I feel safe with you. But like I said.. It just isn't the same. I mean... This is probably what is healthy for me. You would be healthy for me... You're a rock, a solid fixture. You are... Consistent. However, It just isn't the same.
     What am I supposed to do. You are healthy. You are safe. But he... oh he.. He is passion. He is fire and pure indulgence. You are the salad I should eat, but he is that dessert that I crave. That is awful to say. I know it is. But meeting you I instantly felt relieved. I felt safe. Meeting him, the butterflies about made me sick. What is better? I mean, granted I can't take him back. That is a non-option right now, but it is still food for thought. I mean I guess it is why I haven't put all the effort I should in meeting you. I guess that is why I struggle with telling you that I want to hang out and be around you. I do. I mean I love your company but I miss him. That is wrong. I know it is. And I know you say you aren't too worried about it but I also know  I don't want to hurt you by still being in love with him. I don't know why I am.. but I am... Call me stupid, because that is what I call myself. I won't go back. I won't do that to myself, but how I crave that fire... I mean, It is entirely true that if you play with fire, you get burned, and boy did I get burned, but is it bad that I crave that burn again. I guess that makes me some kind of masochist. But I think I will get over it.
    I am gonna give this a shot. It is the least I can do if you are going to put yourself out there. If you are going to try, the least I can do is be nice and try too... I guess we will see how it goes. Here is to safe consistency...
         -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Jason,

     I normally don't write letters to specific people... Im usually agianst that... however, today, I need to write one to you. I don't know if you still read my blog, or if you  ever look back at it now and then... I can't say the things I want to you. I can't really tell you how I actually feel. I just I want to be in your life. I really do, but my heart (as cliche as it sounds) can't handle being with you... You have already moved on, which I am proud of you for doing... but I can't help but hate her a little. I mean, I know you will make her happy, and I hope that our relationship taught you something. However I can't help but be upset.... I know I have no right. I know that. I have absolutely no right to be upset. I know I dont. but I am. Which sucks.
    I don't think our relationship was healthy for me. I always was so insecure. Which isn't good at all. However, I know that I miss you. Which I also have no fucking right to say. It just sucks that I had to let you go for you to learn a lesson. I mean I  love you. You are the first boy, I can honeslty say that I was in love with... It didn't matter that you weren't the best boyfriend because there was just something about you. Still is. I haven't had the heart to ask what all you want back, because Im not sure that I can handle seeing you... I will get strong enough and bring all your stuff back. I haven't forgotten it... I promise.  I am glad you are moving on... and I am glad you can make someone happy... But please forgive me if I am the least bit excited for her. Because I was her. I had that feeling she has. It was me that was all starry-eyed over you and would do anything to gain your attention. That was me. That was my spot in your life. And now it is hers. And that is fine. That is healthy, but I am so jealous of the fact she get's the attention I always wanted.
    You couldn't have lied to me? You couldn't have made it sound like you are just working on you? You couldn't have spared me that one last little ego hit. Gosh, is she prettier than me? Does she take care of you like I did? Is she gonna make the impact I always wanted to make? I don't understand. I don't understand why you never proved it all to me... Anyway, enough crying... now time to move on... Goodbye Jason.
     -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Rape,

Alrighty, this one is going to be a little different. I am going to share the dirty details of something I haven't really told anyone. It is going to probably be graphic, so as cheesy as this sounds, reader discretion is advised. Well, here goes nothing, a story no one has truly heard all of. Names have been altered, but this is nothing short of true.

I am 19. When I was 16 I started dating my first boyfriend. He was my first kiss, my first lover. I gave him everything. When the relationship started, I was obviously a virgin. However, he pressured me into everything. Everytime we hung out or went out to do something, I was pressured to do something sexual. He used to say if I loved him it is what we were supposed to do. I finally caved. I willingly caved into having sex with him. He convinced me. I felt gross before, during and after. After losing my virginity to him, I didn't know what to do. Do you cuddle? I didn't feel like cuddling. Do you say I love you? I didn't love him though. What is the appropriate action right after? I can't answer that. But I can tell you what I did. I went running. I needed to get away, get out. I felt so disgusting. Not because I had sex, because that is a normal human process, but because I had sex with someone I virtually didn't have feelings for... in any way.

Now, let me paint you a picture. The boy I was with, was not built like a boy. He was 6'2 and weighed probably 260. He was a big guy. Now, picture that next to a female who is 5'3, and 130. That alone is scary. But, it got worse. After I had sex with him, I tried to make it work. I decided that I needed to be with him, because I lost my virginity to him... I was a church goer before I met him, so was convinced if I stayed with him and married him that might somehow make up for the fact  I didn't wait until marriage. That didn't make sense looking back on it... but at the time it sounded good. I did everything I could for him. Tried to help him with schooling and football. Oh yeah, he was a football player... pretty well-known at the school.

It started turning for the worse soon after I had sex with him. It just got worse and worse. It started with the comments about my clothing. Whether I was wearing enough clothing or not. My shoulders suddenly were constantly covered, and I stopped wearing shorts because he would comment on showing too much skin. From there it got worse. The accusations of cheating started. He became so possessive I was suffocating. Just dying it seemed.  I wasn't allowed to have friends, and my family were fooled by how nice he made himself seem.

I was accused of cheating with my co-workers, friends, and even my best friend who is female. He went crazy. Was so possessive. And then there was that one night... It was new years eve. My parents went out of town and I told him he could come over and stay the night with me. We were just hanging out. And he started in with the kissing, and the touching. I was okay with it at first. I was flirting and teasing back. He would get a little pushy, and I would push him away. Then he started getting a little more aggressive, pinning me to the bed. The sheets were cold on my shoulders. I put my hands against his chest and pushed him away. I told him I didn't want to do this tonight. He didn't get it. His reply "Well you started it, you have to finish it."  I told him I didn't. I was just being playful. He said I had to. I said, "It's my body, I said no. You can't do anything about it. His response was simply, "Want to bet."

My knees were pushed on either side of my head. My shorts were pulled down my thighs, breaking the button on them. His weight was so heavy, felt like crushing my chest. He pulled his shirt over his head. I tried to push back against him. Tried to move away. I was just tossed back on the bed like a rag doll. I couldn't scream. I mean I had to make things work, otherwise I was going to commit this awful sin according to my church. I mean I had to marry him so that I didn't break the rules completely. My shirt was suddenly on the floor by my bed. My knees pinned to the bed next to my head. It hurt, I wasn't naturally that flexible. I tried to fight him one more time as he dropped his basketball shorts. It was like pushing against a solid brick wall. It didn't work. I gave in. I quit fighting. I knew if I continued to struggle it would just hurt.

Even laying still it hurt. I hated it. I wasn't going to cry though. I refused. I was stronger than that. Too strong to cry. There was so much going on. Hands everywhere, sweat dripping from his face onto my neck. His grip on my neck, the awful grunting, and the smell of old spice cologne choked me more than he did. Thoughts raced through my head. I was panicking. I forgot to take the pill that morning. I was screwed. I couldn't tell him that. He told me he wanted me to quit taking them anyway. I was so scared. And then, I just kind of felt calm. No, I felt numb. I couldn't fight him.  I couldn't stop what was already happening, so I just fell silent, and waited....and waited...

When he was finished with me, he insisted on cuddling. I still wasn't going to cry. I wouldn't. I couldn't. I had to be tough. That is what I had always been. My stomach hurt. I needed to puke, but wasn't allowed to get up. He fell asleep. His arm so heavy on my waist. I was shaky. I couldn't help it. He woke up in about an hour. Stood up, let me get up, and there on the bed was one of the most heart wrenching things I had seen. There was a spot of blood, about the size of Frisbee. I hadn't notice I was bleeding. I just didn't want to move. He had us take a shower together. I still felt gross. After showering, I pulled the sheets from my bed, and washed them.

I never had to tell anyone. And I didn't. I spent the next 5 months with him. I was going to make it work. It wasn't until someone I am very fond of, took me out of town for the night without my phone or anything, and convinced me it was time to leave him. I agreed. I did it. There was a huge blow out, and violent reactions. He punched a window above my head. He scared me. He still does. And even at the end of it, the last thing he had to say to me was, "But I loved you." That's not love. Not at all. And I know that now.

So, here is the story I have only told to one or two people. (Please don't report it to any law enforcement, I have already done that). And here is my call out to other girls. Don't EVER let something like this keep you from telling someone, even if it is just to share and get it off your chest. Don't EVER let someone bully you around, because you have options. And lastly, Don't EVER let it affect your self-esteem, because you are way more important than some guy like this is going to let you feel. If anyone needs anything, please comment on this with your email address, and  I will be happy to just listen to your stories or give you advice. Remember, you are important, and beautiful.
                             -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear New Job,

     I was just given the position as Editor-in-Chief of the Front Page Newspaper... For me, this is HUGE. I almost gave up on my Journalism dreams, but then I was given this opportunity and it really made me realize, that this is what I am meant to do. There is nothing I love more, and there is nothing that I would want to put my heart and soul into like Journalism. I am beyond stoked. I will admit I am very nervous, but I will make it work, I know I will. :) This was a small post, but guess what, I am sure I will keep you all updated with more little notes about how the new gig is going.
             -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Moving On,

      I have quite the track record with you. It is so true. My parents are to the point they know nothing is solid for more than a year. Also true. I broke up with my boyfriend two days ago. It was tough. Probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I needed to. I realize, after two days, I am already feeling less bogged down. I am not an innocent person in our relationship, and I accept my mistakes. About a week before our relationship was over, I found comfort with someone else, which in all honesty is a sugar-coated way of saying I fooled around on my boyfriend. I am not proud of that. Not at all. I normally would have never ever done that, but you know, I am not going to be upset, or be mad at myself for it. And here is why. I felt beautiful, and sexy. I felt freaking important for once. I am not proud of it. But damn did it make sense to me at the time.
     I never ever would wish ill-will to my ex. Never. He will make someone happy, especially when he grows up. Unfortunately I just felt that I was slightly more mature than him, in a lot of ways. It isn't fair of me to say that I am a ton more mature than him. But in most ways, I feel like he didn't have the future in mind. And that is a huge issue for me. I am very proud of the person he molded me into, and I hope I had the same effect on him. However, I just don't think that we are suited to be together long term. So, as for now, I am going to focus on my schooling, my career, and just having fun without the scary commitments. That is what I want. I won't ever forget our relationship, nor do I regret a thing, I just think it is time for us to move forward. More posts today, I have to catch everyone up, and I have been very busy, so get prepared for two or three in a row here.
                 -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Growing Up,

   I hate you. You are filled with so much heartbreak. I would much rather be a little kid. When things were innocent. I want innocence. Once you lose your innocence (in all ways that term may be used) things are never the same.I want to be 16 again. When I was young and free and innocent. Those were the days when the biggest drama in your life were who wore the same shirt as you. They seemed so tragic then, but compared to the issues I deal with now, I would wear the same shirt as someone any day.
   When you are younger, things are little. There is nothing extremely stressful occurring. I wish that is where I was now. I don't want to worry about the mortgage, and bills, and work, and school, and figuring out love. I don't want to worry about what is going to happen next year, next month or even tomorrow. I want one week where I can just be young. Go lay in the grass and watch the sunset, just because I can. Go play in mud, just because I can. I want to be able to live like I don't have a worry in the world. But. My name is Jessi, I am 19 years-old, and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I have to grow up. I don't want to. I see these 25 to 30 year-old's that act like I should be acting at 19, and here I am stuck acting like those 25- 30 year old people should be. It sucks. I just want to live a love story for one summer. I want to dance in the rain, and do all the cliche things that everyone takes for granted. I don't want to grow up, but I have to. Based on this I figure, I should go to bed, because  I have to wake up at 6 am, for a 15 hour shift. Yeah, that is where I am at. Goodnight, I will talk to you tomorrow.
                      -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Lyrics,

Yup, I am doing another one of these. Are you all ready? Just about my love life. That is it for this one.

(How we met)
"I trade my soul for a wish; Pennies and dimes for a kiss. I wasn't looking for this, but now you're in my way. Your stare was holding, ripped jeans, skin was showing. Hot night, wind was blowing. Where do you think you're going baby? I just met you and this is crazy... But here's my number... So call me maybe?"

(Song playing when he called me)
"I wanna put your hand in my pocket because you're allowed. I want to drive you into the corner and kiss you without a sound. I wanna stay this way forever, I will say it loud."

(How I feel when we fight)
"I fall at the thought of us falling apart, but I swore to never use my heart before I used my heart. And you keep me breathing grant me peace through the night. Sweetheart I hope that your dreams are as sweet as real life."

Dear Optimism,

I am going to try and take a good crack at you today. I'm going to try my very hardest to look at everything from a positive position, rather than my normally realistically bitter stand point. I am going to try and be nice. And happy. I need a new beginning and I think, maybe just maybe, I'm going to start that by being happy and positive today. Well, here goes nothing right?
               -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Relationships,

    I am thinking that at 19, you are a joke. I have emotionally checked out from my current relationship, because I dont want to get hurt. People say one thing and do another. I hate that. Your actions should back up your words, otherwise your words are a bunch of just false shit. It is just dumb. I am normally pretty nice, but I think today, I'm gonna be bitter.
         -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Lyrics,

You do so well at explaining my life! I just wanted one little note (I think I am gonna try to do one like this once a week) that just explains how I am feeling through a series of lyric quotes. :)

About My Best Friend: "May your tears come from laughing. You find friends worth having, with every year passing , they mean more than gold. May you win but stay humble. Smile more than grumble. And know when you stumble, you're never alone."

About My Current Boyfriend: "I like you the way you are, when we are driving in your car and we are talking to me one on one, But you've become somebody else; around everyone else. You're watchin' your back like you cant relax. Tryin' to be cool... You look like a fool to me... Tell me, why do you have to go and make things so complicated?"

About the Ex: "When I think about you, I think about 17. I think about my old Jeep. I think about the stars in the sky. Funny how a melody, sounds like a memory. Like a soundtrack to a July Saturday night."

About Work: " Today I don't feel like doing anything, I just want to lay in my bed. Don't feel like picking up my phone so leave a message at the tone, cause today I don't feel like doing anything, nothing at all"

About School: (see above!) lol.


    -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Maturity,

        They say that you get better as people grow older. That is a lie. I guess, I have always been very mature for my age, but it just seems like I am meeting more and more people that are so content living in adolescents. I mean, being young and having fun is one thing. Being immature and dramatic is another. I just feel like I am growing out of some of the people that I used to know. You know? The ways a little kid grows out of their little kid toys and starts playing with the big kid toys. Or they grow out of clothes... I just happen to be growing out of people.
      I don't really know a good way to tell them either... I mean I guess I don't and I just let it happen? I mean, that would be hard. I guess, but then again little kids don't tell their stuffed animals when they grow out of the. I just want someone to be on my level. I am far too old to deal with bullshit. And I guess, technically I am not that old. I am only 19, but I feel 36. I know that is kind of wrong but I just have been through enough in my life that I don't really have time for drama. I mean, I love everyone in my life, but I don't want to play games. No more. I am going to tell you straight up what I think, feel, etc. and I am to the point that I expect the same back, without attitude, or getting defensive.
     I just want to go out and have a good time regardless of who I am with and not have to feel like I have to justify myself. I don't. I am an adult. A young one, but if I am old enough to fight for my country, I am old enough to not have to explain myself to you. I just wish people were on my level, otherwise it looks like I am gonna have to start hanging out with an older crowd. Which is hard because I'm not 21 yet. I am just... I don't know really. I feel so drained... Just so tired of games. I can be honest, why can't you? I can say what I think. Why can't you? I can be committed, and work hard for what I want..... so tell me, why can't you?
        -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Sunshine,

I am so happy to see you today! I am very over the winter and ready for summer to come so I can see you a lot more. We always have had quite the hot affair!! haha. I miss flip flops and sunbathing. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful and brightened my mood today!
          -xoxo Jessi.

Dear Backbone,

Why don't I seem to have you? I let everyone walk all over me, and frankly I am starting to get sick of it. All of it... I'm starting to get sick of people, everyone. I'm sick of lies, backstabbing and bitchy gossip. Seriously, I don't have the time or patience to deal with that crap. I just want to be able to live without a bunch of stupid drama. Everyone that is around me holds me to some stupid double standard. Everyone expects me to be the bright bubbly happy girl that I am 89% of the time. Heaven forbid I have a bad day or I am in a bad mood. Then it some how is my fault. Everything is always my fault it seems like. I am so sick of being walked all over. Know what, starting today; right now, no more Ms. Nice Guy!!
         -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Secrets,

      Can someone please tell me why it is so easy for me to be open and honest with people, but no one can return the favor to me? Can someone please tell me why secrets are so important to people? I am realizing that I am having a really horrible night. I just hate it. I just want it to be over. I want to go to bed and forget people. I don't have really bad trust issues. However, one of my biggest fears is being lied to. I hate  being lied to more then anything in the world. It is seriously the worst thing ever. And by being lied to, I count "conveniently" forgetting to offer information.
     I am used to being in the know, so when I'm not, I get grouchy. It is just habit. I just really want to be with someone who respects honesty as much as I do. I am also not an insecure person, but I take what people say to heart, well at least when it is people I care about. I do. I am a girl, what do you expect? We take stuff to heart. Emotion is chemically linked to estrogen, which just loves women. A couple days ago, I was told that another girl thought that my boyfriend could do better than me. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I am also entitled to being hurt that I was told this. I mean... I know this isn't true, but it is almost as though he loves to keep my self esteem just a notch under confident. I mean, I will have a day where I look sexy as hell, and those are the days that instead of telling me I look good, he will tell me about some other girl that looks good or in this case that some girl thought I wasn't good enough for him. That bothers me. I shouldn't have to be knocked down a notch on my self-esteem because he chooses when to say the absolute wrong thing.
     Today is a really bad day for my self-esteem. I am not exactly sure why but I just want to feel pretty. I just want to be reminded every now and then. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I used to think I was skinny... sheesh was I apparently wrong. I have never been more insecure about my weight... even when I weighed a lot more then I do. I mean... I weighed 160 at one point, which for my height is not exactly healthy and I realized I was bigger. I mean, I wore a size 13 jean... that isn't exactly ideal for someone who is roughly 5'3. Now I am down to 140 and a size 7... That is twenty pounds and 3 sizes... I should be proud of that right? Instead I am just thinking how can I drop twenty more, and two more sizes. How can I get more fit? How can I fit that in my schedule, and how can I convince this girl (who I have never met) that I deserve what I have?
   One day, I am going to be proud of myself, all I have to offer, and confident in who I am... but for tonight, I think I am going to just stare at those size 3 jeans I have in my closet, not eat, and go to sleep... Sorry I am so depressing tonight...
          -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Wishful Thinking,

   You know when you really want something to work out? That is where I am at. I want this more then anything. However, being the lovely Capricorn female that I am, I am a walking contradiction. I care, but I don't want to get hurt. I want to be independent but I don't want to be alone. I want to be strong but you make me weak. I want to be open and I want to fall. I just don't want to hit the ground. I want to believe everything he tells me, I don't want to be naive.
   I am going to stay positive, because that is all I've got. I am going to fight for this but I hope I'm not fighting for something that won't happen. I am going to use you, wishful thinking. I am going to make this work. I want him to be there. I want to see where this goes. I want this. I just don't know if he wants the same things I do. I worry he doesn't care about the future. I'm a planner. Big time. What I do now will affect everything else. He doesn't think that. He says he doesn't give a f*ck. The saddest thing I think, is I believe him sometimes. Our plans, or my plan and his lack-thereof don't match. My main, main goal in my life is stability. I don't want a million dollars or a mansion. I want to be stable. Emotionally, physically, financially stable.  If I get that, and he is a part of it, I'd never ask for anything else. Well, except for a white picket fence and a couple kids.
                     -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Communication,

   You are essential for any working relationship. Whether it is a friendship, a partnership, a co-worker type relationship, communication is essential. Without the ability to speak about what is going on. The emotions everyone is feeling. The things that need to be done, everything. I know that it is difficult sometime to express certain emotions but when has trying ever hurt?

   I can't talk to him.  I try and then he somehow miraculously turns it around and makes it about him. That is tough. I really want to make it work, however, I'm not about to do all the work. I want him to want to see me. Otherwise, he obviously doesn't feel as strongly for me as he says he does. I am afraid to speak up when something is bothering me, because I know it will become a joke to him and his friends later. So, I gave up trying to talk. I gave up on communication... That is horrible. 

  I guess all I can say, is I wish that a discussion didn't turn into a joke. I wish that he put the effort in that I do. But I guess like my momma says, "Asking him to put in the effort I do, is like asking me not to." I can't just give up on something without a good cause to. I just wish I was worth the effort.... Well, you can't change someone, only how you feel about them. Anyway... this letter was officially a debbie downer. I promise the next one will be more positive.

                -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Dating,

   This letter is going to be fairly short, but I couldn't update yesterday.
   I want to go on a real date. A legitimately date. With a guy that picks me up, opens the doors, plans the date, pays for it, and drives me home. I want that date that is  in the movies. Where they are laughing and playing around. I want one date. One legitimate, fun date. Jessi's perfect date: A hike or rock-climbing, or camping and a picnic. I'm a pretty cheap date... yet, I am 19, have had 4 semi-serious relationships, and have never been taken on a legitimate, gentleman led date... Ouch. Anyway, I am super tired, more work tomorrow, I just needed to vent. Hence the reason I made this little letter forum. Anyway, that is all! Goodnight <3
           -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Trust,

   Why are you so difficult? I mean typically, if someone has never given you a reason to distrust them, you should still trust them right? Well, not in my world obviously. I have a hard time trusting anyone. I know I need to get over it, but sometimes that is just so difficult! I mean, I just start to trust someone, and it seems like they rip a rug out from under me. I said I wasn't mad about the picture, and that is true, but my trust that I had in him just plummeted. Down the drain. It was just a picture, so I really don't care, but at the same time, I have decided I have to get my emotions in check.
   I worry about being strong, I worry about looking dumb, or being fooled. I will be okay if people up and leave my life, because I am THAT strong. However, I am not strong enough to pick up my self after being played. I have been humiliated, and taken advantage of way too many times. It is kind of like the saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I don't want that. Now, I know that it is a little pessimistic to expect this kind of demise, but I guess it is my way of preparing myself for the worst.
   You know those times when you have just a really good feeling about something but you really can't explain why you have that feeling... That is my life. I have a good feeling I'm going to end up happy with a picket fence and 2.5 children. However, there are now current changes, or even consistencies that lean to that feeling. There really is no evidence of that future for me.
   I guess I can say I am a pretty trusting person. I trust people with my life, my finances, and my car. I trust them to watch the house, walk the dog, etc. However, I guess since the first guy, I don't trust people with my emotions, my heart, or my body. I can't do it. Not until someone proves me wrong. I know that isn't fair to the men I am with, but I promise to work my hardest at being good to them if they put in the effort. I am good at being a significant other. Very good at it. I just need someone to step up and fight for me. Put in the effort I put in, you know? Well, I have another letter coming right after this one, I didn't update the last couple weeks, so I guess I can say I will talk to you in a little while.
           -xoxo, Jessi.

Dear Future,

     Please leave me alone. Just for a little while. I'm talking like maybe a month or two. I just want to be able to enjoy what I have right now, and not be so concerned on how it will affect you. You are needy. You need a degree, you need a husband and kids, mortgage and bills. I hate it. I hate needy things... You demand this and that. You suck. We are not friends right now.
      I just want to be able to savor the moments I have right now, instead of stressing. Just for a little while. I want to savor time with my best friend, and those cute moments I have with my significant other. I want to be able to laugh at the little stuff and enjoy doing foolish things. I want to be able to cry about a sad movie and go bowling. I really want to go bowling. With bowling, you can do silly granny shots, and slide and fall on your butt, and no one will judge you. Well okay, the really serious bowlers might judge you, but guess what? I'm not in their league so I don't care. I want to go sledding, and still have kiddish moments. I don't want to worry about bills yet, or husbands, or life long dilemmas. I have the rest of my life to worry about that nonsense.
      Instead though, I am stuck. I am worried about how one event could impact everything. Passing one class could make me or break me. Instead of being happy, and carefree, I am stuck worrying about work and school. Balancing my best friend and my boyfriend. I am stuck worrying about paying tuition, and potentially messing up and killing someone. I am worried about moving out, and being responsible. Poop. I'd rather be sledding down a hill, making snow angels, and doing anything, absolutely anything, other than worrying about you. So on that lovely note, I would like to tell you, that I look forward to you, but I don't want you to come too quick.
                                   -xoxo, Jessi

Dear Good News,

   I absolutely love you! The test came back as a cyst, nothing to worry about! Just as I expected anyway. I really want to make it clear that I wasn't scared. Not me, no way. (Completely not true I was terrified) I am so glad I got that news today. Such a relief! Anyway, other good news, I am officially enrolled in my EMT class for this coming semester. I am so stoked. (Yes, I use the word stoked). I am definitely feeling good about that. I'm so sorry this letter is so short this time. I have been a little busy the last couple days, and work occurs tomorrow for me as well. I am super tired, so I'm cutting this love note short. Thank you for the good news though!!
             -xoxo, Jessi